Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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