I looked at my own cervix.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
