First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I feel great
I just peed on a car
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Sex in the backyard? Check.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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