dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
