Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
