I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
