i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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