Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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