I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
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