I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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