there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
