what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize