i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
