I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
