You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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