My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
