my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Randomize
