1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
There's always time for handjobs
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
