mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
