I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
