A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
