We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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