Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize