Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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