It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
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