Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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