I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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