For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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