I'm so fucking centered right now
you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
