the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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