I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
