This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
