Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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