what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
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