Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Ketchup is God's man juice
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
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