Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
