I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
