Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
