I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
