nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
