That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
