Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
My feet surprised me
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