Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
