My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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