so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I want to fling myself into the sun
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize