I think I won the penis lottery.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize