Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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