my phone needs a breathalizer
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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