Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
