Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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