just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Let's get the cat blown out
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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