i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
You had me at "let me see your balls"
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
