ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
