if you like me you must not know who I am
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
