im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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