I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
